Saidan no
Hitsuji
Chapter Three: Ablehnung (Denial)
By Seishuku
Skuld (skuldchan@gmail.com)
Oooh,
character development! So hard to
write! We're coming up on the shounen-ai
soon! **cheers** Just after this
chapter! ^_~
Music drives
my soul: Garbage - Androgyny
Ace of Base -
Aimee Mann - One is the Lonliest
Number
Metallica - No Leaf Clover
Noir - Melodie
~*~*~*~*~*~
Jecht was very
quiet over the next few weeks. He was
probably thinking of his family and his Zanarkand, and undoubtedly missing
them. Braska was pensive as well, though
we were still far from our destination, each new Temple we arrived at only
served to bring us closer to our goal: the Final Aeon at the Ruins of Zanarkand
where Braska would give his life to protect the people of Spira.
I shook my
head, was I the only keeping this group together? It was downright depressing with two very
thoughtful and reflective men traveling on either side of me and neither
speaking a word. I considered breaking
the silence myself, but finally decided against it. There was nothing I could say that would make
them feel better. The tension in our
group was palpable and the days we spent traveling had been almost unbearable
as we walked silently down the road to the next Temple.
We paused
for several days near Lake Macalania, Braska insisted we rest and enjoy
ourselves. He also insisted on using one
of those silly spheres that Jecht had brought along for fun. At the time, it seemed horrifyingly
sacrilegious. We were on a pilgrimage,
and here Braska was having us standing in front of the Travel Agency like a
pair of sightseers.
"Auron,
could you stand closer to him?" he asked, motioning with his hand that we
should move closer together.
I
sighed. Anything for you, Braska, I
wanted to say. I nodded, and moved
cautiously to stand by Jecht. There was
nothing more distasteful than being close to him. He'd gotten better when he was quiet and
contemplative, but when we relaxed to enjoy Macalania, he went back to his old
self again. For moment I was worried,
but then he started annoying me again, and I had to tolerate him as best I
could. The worry part went out the
window shortly after.
"That
should do it," Braska said, moving the sphere to get the scenery around
us, and the ludicrous sign above us that read "Lake Macalania." This was silly, I wanted to say so, but I
held back, not wanting to hurt Braska's feelings. His time was going to be short-lived, and he
wanted to live his best before facing Sin.
"What's
the matter?" Jecht's harsh voice broke into my thoughts. "Afraid I might bite?"
"Jecht..."
I began, ready to begin another scolding tirade. His voice irritated me, his manner irritated
me, and his words drove me crazy. He had
no respect for me, or Lord Braska for that matter. At that moment, I fervently wished he was
back in Zanarkand with his family, and not bothering Braska and me on our
pilgrimage.
"Hey
Braska," he ignored me and continued, "you should take one too! It'd make a great gift for little Yuna!"
Braska
paused a moment to think, "I suppose," he said uncertainly, becoming
sad again at the mention of his daughter.
"Lord
Braska," I stepped forward to save the summoner before the oaf could do
any more damage, "We shouldn't be wasting time like this."
"What's
the hurry, man?" Jecht wondered, shrugging his shoulders and giving me a
look that told me I needed to relax. A
lot.
"Let me
tell you what the hurry is," I growled, moving to Braska and turning the
stupid sphere off.
"Auron,"
Braska put his hands around me, trying to stop my temper from exploding again.
"Bring
it on!" Jecht replied, putting his hands on his hips and looking ready for
a confrontation.
"You
think we can dally here for another day when-"
"AURON!"
Braska shouted, and spun me around by my shoulders so I was facing him. "Relax.
We're having a bit of a holiday. A
vacation. Now stop thinking about the
pilgrimage, all right? I just want
to..."
I would have
groaned and smacked myself on the head if Jecht hadn't been watching. I sighed, realizing the injury of my own
words too late. There I was, worrying
about duty again, when all Braska wanted was a few days off. A few more days to live, to enjoy himself to
the fullest. Each step to the next
temple, each step of the journey took us to Zanarkand and Braska's death. And I was just trying to hurry him. What an
idiot I was. I would have taken all my
words back if I could.
***
I tossed and
turned for several hours in bed, the moonlight filtering in through the window
cast an ethereal glow on Braska's pale skin, and though I was weary, I did not
sleep, but merely watched him and admired his beauty.
I lost
myself in my thoughts as I looked at the man I had always loved from
childhood. We had always been dear
friends, there were no secrets kept between us.
He knew of the love I had for him, that was understood without
words. Sometimes I wondered if he was
toying with me when we played our little game, but I knew somewhere, deep down
that loved me almost as much as I loved him.
The rest of the love he held was for his deceased wife and daughter, and
I knew that I would always be second to them.
But that was all right. Because I
was just content to watch over Braska like this.
I heard a
rustling coming from Jecht's bed, and I quickly lay back down, pretending to be
asleep. I heard him murmur a few
incoherent words to himself before putting what little clothes he had on, and
walk out of the room.
"Probably
going to relieve himself," I thought with disdain, "he's probably
hiding some alcohol somewhere too."
I waited for
several moments, but he didn't return.
That made me curious, and I wondered if I could catch him drinking if I
went to find him. Oh, the temptation of
that was much too hard to resist.
I clambered
out of bed quietly, and dressed in my shirt and pants, leaving my red coat
behind. Before I slipped out the door, I
paused by Braska's bed, brushing a strand of moonlit blue hair from his
forehead. I kissed him gently on the
cheek, and set out to see if I could catch Jecht red-handed.
There were
no footprints in the snow outside the Travel Agency, so I guessed he must have
headed towards the winding paths of Macalania Forest. I walked beneath the lofted boughs, dazzled
by the sight the moon made on the shining forest. Each tree seemed to glow with its own light,
providing more than enough for me to
find my way around.
It was
strange, I never seemed to realize how beautiful the Forest was when I passed
through just a few days before, I almost wanted to get lost in the luminous
woods, wanted to feel that unearthly light bathing my skin until I heard a
voice not far off that brought me back to reality.
"Hey, if
you're sitting there, watching this..." it was Jecht, sitting in front of
a sphere. He looked solemn and serious,
an expression I'd never seen before on his face, except in the past few weeks,
when he would be thinking about his Zanarkand and his home.
"...It
means you're stuck in Spira, like me. You might not know when you'll get back
home, but you better not be crying!
Although, I guess I'd understand. But you know what?"
I listened carefully
to him speak, scarcely daring to breathe or move for fear he'd hear me and
catch me eavesdropping. I suddenly felt
a twinge of guilt, I had creeped out to catch him undoubtedly drinking, but
here was, speaking to his wife and child.
It was a side of Jecht I'd never seen before, and I wondered if this was
the same loud, crass man that I'd been traveling with the past months.
"There's
a time when you have to stop crying and move on." He paused, as if that last admission had been
particularly difficult. I frowned as I
suddenly realized what long period of silence meant. I closed my eyes as my heart started beating
faster, my mind in a whirlwind as it fought to decipher all of Jecht's actions
I'd observed in the past few weeks.
"You'll
be fine. Remember, you're my son. And...
Well, uh... Never mind. I'm not good at these things." He turned off the sphere quickly, and put it
back in his pocket. Then he sat again on
the ground, leaning back with his arms supporting him, gazing off into the starlit
sky.
I took off
quietly, running back to the inn, feeling incredibly childish and guilty that I
had witnessed a private confession I shouldn't have seen, much less knew
about. I had to get back to the inn
before he found me missing and suspected something.
I made it
back into the room before he did, quickly stripped off my clothes, and jumped
in bed, pulling the covers over my head.
I lay still for several moments, trying to regulate my breathing and
calm my pounding heart.
I was not
awake to hear him return that night. I
soon fell asleep with my thoughts.
Perhaps I'd judged Jecht wrongly, and all his cheerful, provoking banter
was a cover for the deeper and larger sadness he suffered while here in
Spira.
"There's
a time when you have to stop crying and move on," he had said, his voice
echoing in my mind. He'd admitted he'd
never see Zanarkand again, never see his family again, his beloved wife and
son. I didn't even know their names,
never bothered to ask, never really cared.
I wondered what it must be like for him in an alien world, with no
friends, your only companions a summoner and a stuffy warrior-monk who glared
at you every chance he got. I certainly
I wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes, and for the first time since I'd met
him, I honestly felt sorry for him.
I thought
back on the horrible ways I'd treated him, the purposefully hurtful things I
said, the contemptuous looks I'd given him.
I wondered if any of those things had made him give up on ever seeing
his family again. I felt the pit of
stomach clench as I contemplated what a jerk I'd been to him, never giving him
a chance.
If I had a
family to lose, I wondered what it would be like. If everything I knew disappeared, and I had
to adjust to a completely new world, I wondered it would be like. I'd be lost, confused, and terribly, horribly
alone. Was that how Jecht felt? Friendless and now hopeless?
The last
thing I remembered before drifting off to sleep was that I should apologize.